Words left unsaid

I know what I should be doing. But I’m not doing it. I started doing it. And then I just… fell back onto old familiar obsession thinking. Which is funny… because one of my “motivation quotes” basically said to not overthink for at least today. And yet. Here we are. Overthinking the day away.

Really, I’m chastising myself for being what I’d like to call a chicken. I’m over confrontation. I’m over fighting. I’m over ALL of these feels. Yet simply saying anything to the effect of that out loud to the person it should be directed is lost somewhere between my mind screaming it and my mouth that won’t let the words come out.

Why? Why is there some form of disconnect between what my mind thinks and my mouth speaks? NO CLUE.

Hence, the chicken. Big fat chicken. Maybe it’s the words ringing in my ears as a stark reminder of my residency woes… “A [blank] is better than no [blank]”. . . Or is it? Is a relationship, job, etc better than no job? I honestly don’t know anymore.

Actually… I do know. It’s not. But then I can’t bring myself to say the freaking words I need to say. So I sit here obsessing over the words not uttered… only to waste precious time I could be studying. Relaxing. Or flat out living life. Where the eff my nonexistent balls went I have no clue. So I sit here in silence just wondering how to purge my life of the things in it I don’t want anymore. Classes. Emotional baggage. External stressors. And all these damn leaves. (Don’t mind the roller coaster of topics… I just bought a leaf blower and used said blower on my yard… But as I sit here typing away my emotions I’m being snowed on by leaves. . . a lot of leaves. Mother Nature is a funny B.)