Somewhere in between

I’m somewhere in between. Part of me is a series of word vomiting episodes on people without being provoked. And part of me is clamping my mouth shut, holding it all in… holding it all together. Part of me is wanting to share, to tell my life of chaos to others (friends, family, or strangers). Part of me is wanting to just lock out the world… family and all. There’s so much going on. So much to handle. To process. To… accept.

With each passing day there’s more to do. More to know. More to handle. I told my friend JP that I was being an ostrich. I knew I needed to get certain things done, but if I never schedule the tests then I won’t ever know the results. But not knowing the results doesn’t change this gray area I’ve somehow gotten stuck in. Maybe the tests will show nothing. Then it’s back to life before the worry. But part of me knows they won’t show nothing. The question is.. what will they show. And how does that change life as I know it? I guess time will only tell.

To be fair… I’ve been half assing my health of late. And my body is starting to show it. But I’m so tired. Tired of restrictive diets. Tired of being told I work too much, but still needing to somehow work more. Tired of never feeling like I’m enough. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m tired of nothing working, of nothing seeming to work out, of nothing seeming to last. I’m tired.

I back burnered a few things while my studies took priority. Now those back burner items are priorities. But school has also started. So I’m in the middle of switching gears. Western to Eastern. Avoidance to dealing. Trying to balance a fulltime job, full course load, health screenings, family visits, time with my pets, house hunting, and self care. The scales haven’t been balanced for some time. And the dams are a breaking.

I sit here tonight. Willing myself to sleep, but knowing I need to be productive to catch up. My soul needs rest. My mind needs the break. But my schedule doesn’t care. It says march on lady, it’s midterms time. Your paper is late. You notes are outdated. Time to get yourself picked back up, and on the move. Sigh. When really I just want to sleep after a weekend of craziness in the ER. Back to the grind I go.