Reflections

Here I sit… mere days from my impending doom. Also known as my board exam. This test is something I’ve been fearing for… well a while now. I always felt that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or capable enough to pass this exam. Maybe even perform the job I’ve trained for.

People that know me say I don’t give myself enough credit. That I just need to have confidence in myself and my abilities. Except… the majority of those individuals don’t actually know the extent of my knowledge gaps.

And boy do they feel like the Grand Canyon right about now. I have less than a week before I sit for this beast of an exam. And as I’m cramming all the things I don’t quite know yet (some brand spanking new, some review) I can’t help but wonder if I tried harder would I feel differently right now.

Like, do I feel defeated already because I didn’t put in the necessary effort? Or do I feel defeated because I’m giving up on a dream that I may or may not want anymore? That’s the kicker isn’t it. I don’t even KNOW if I want this anymore. So it’s easier to just let the exam beat me to a pulp because that’s what I expect.

It’s like I’m creating the real life reasons for imposter syndrome. I’ve been told I’m not good enough, and I’ve let myself tell me that I’m not good enough on the daily. So now I’m sabotaging my chances to prove to them, and to me, that I am good enough. Which will only further the fire for both.

So I sit here. Beating myself up some more about how I didn’t even try for this. That I am going to need a boat to survive the ocean of my tears when I not only get demolished by this exam, but also when I find out my results.

I have a handful of days left to prepare and I literally just can’t believe that I let myself down. I let life get in the way of making an actual effort… My exam was PAID for. My hotel and conference are BOOKED. And yet it’s like I’m pissing away the money because try as I might, I just didn’t get it done this summer. I can’t say that right now, that I deserve to pass. And boy does that hurt. Man is that devastating. I take the quizzes and the mock questions only to realize that I’m far from ready for this exam. And days away or not I am not prepared for the level of harm this is going to have on my psyche, or my resolve. Because I keep saying I’m going to fail, but secretly I hope to pass. Only I’m not going to. And the fact that I wont is going to make me cry.

Because I let myself down. Because I proved them right instead of me. Because I let myself succumb to the darkness and doubt. But now the test is here and I’m too far behind to catch up. Sure I know loads of people fail. But I was really hoping that I’d pass. That I’d make it through such that I could believe in myself. But this material is too much and I’ve lost too much time.

I guess there’s a lesson in defeat. A reason for the hurt and pain. I’ll have to lick my wounds all the way back to Connecticut. Suck up the defeat and use it to go again next year. Just on my dollar and my dime. Sigh. Wish me luck! Crunch time