Living with PTSD

I am living with PTSD.

Initially I was ashamed of that diagnosis. I mean, how could I have PTSD? I didn’t fight in a war. I didn’t endure some trauma… Or did I? Before moving to New England I was living in California. While I had been living in California most of my life, the last 3 years were life altering.

I endured a type of psychological trauma that has affected not only my ability to sleep, my health (potentially triggering my symptoms), but it’s also ruining my career. Without going into the details of my past, suffice it to say that I walked willingly into a situation that would result in a sequence of events. A sequence of events that altered what I thought my life would be like. I was afraid. I was terrified really. What would happen if I broke the contract? Would they really blackball me? I had SO much debt from student loans and I feared that certain individuals could destroy my future career. Little did I understand that what happened during my last 3 years in California would destroy my career on it’s own. Living through the psychological stress changed me. Forever. And not necessarily for the better.

I now live with PTSD. I am learning to live with the flashes of memories. Living inside my head trying to stand up for myself like I didn’t do. If similar situations arise I feel my ulcer creep up. I feel that stress of panic as if this life is going to swallow me whole.

I live with PTSD. I didn’t fight a war. I didn’t escape an abusive relationship. I survived a time in my life when every single person in my life took advantage of me. I let the men in my life walk all over me. Use me. I walked into work everyday hating myself for signing my life away via a contract that would kill my dream career. I survived bullying. I survived fake people that only wanted to step on me for leverage to get higher.

I survived my experience only to realize that you can run, but you can’t out run or hide from PTSD. Being ashamed of myself only potentiates the problem. You have to face it. Part of my facing it is to plan. To stand up for myself. And to move forward.

I acknowledge that I likely will not be able to sustain my career for long. I love this field, however the triggers it brings regardless of the state in which I practice is not conducive to improving my health. If I can continue my work in a capacity that does not trigger my PTSD then I’d gladly continue in this field. But sadly I’m not sure that is a possibility in the long run.

I’m reviewing options of other endeavors. As my mom says she’s never heard me want to do anything else. I haven’t. My whole life was geared towards this career. But now I have to do what quiets my soul and heals my mind. I have to do what brings peace.

I am living with PTSD. But I’m living. I wake up each morning. Some days I go back to bed instead of getting up to face the day. But I’m living. Maybe not in the way I expected life to turn out. Maybe not in the way I planned. Or in the way my family wanted for me. But I’m living. I’m healing slowly. SO SLOWLY. I doubt my PTSD will ever leave me. But I hope I can be helpful to otherwise struggling in life. Others that feel ashamed. Others that feel as though they are not good enough. Take that next step. One foot in front of the other. That’s how we are going to get through this life. One step at a time.