Letter to my ex(es)

I have played an inner monologue of things I’ve wanted to say for a while. I don’t say them for the simple fact that I don’t want to open that line of communication. And I know they won’t change anything. But maybe this entry will give me the peace I need. . .

Or at the very least I hope it gives me the self forgiveness I need to help me heal. I can no longer carry the self anger, bitterness, distrust or frustration with me. They aren’t serving me, and they are only holding me back.

I’m angry… unfortunately that anger is self directed instead of at you. I’m angry I let you in. I’m angry that I trusted you. I’m angry I gave someone a chance when I saw the red flags… I voiced my concerns on those red flags. You said the right things to get me to give you a chance. In the beginning you were charming, sweet, and gave me a feeling of a safe place. It’s almost like once you knew I was hooked you pulled the wool over my eyes and slowly but surely changed.

You said or did things… and part of me thinks it was for the shock and awe factor… but part of me was never sure. Did you really believe all that hate and the horrible things you’d say? Or did you just say it to push me away to get another woman to walk away? So you can play the victim card in your life…. Who knows. I won’t ever. I know that . And while it bothers me to this day… I have to accept that I won’t ever know who the real you is. Was it the charming sweet man from the beginning ..? Or the horrible human from the middle and end?

Regardless neither has a space in my life. I just am having a hard time getting over the deception. Congratulations you duped me. My distrust in men is now not just thanks to the cheaters of my past…. But it’s heightened thanks to you. If the Mr. Hyde routine was just to push me away… A. how very grown up of you. And B. next time just break up with the person! No one needs to be treated the way you used me just because you “wanted to see what would happen.” WHO DOES THAT?!

You were no longer interested. In hindsight I can point out the point when you were out but stayed like the coward you are. And I knew something was off. But I couldn’t rationalize it out. I had been trying to leave for months. But I felt guilty for leaving because you no longer made me happy. In the end you gave me a reason to leave I couldn’t ignore. And regardless of your horribleness I will forever remember it as I left. I was done.

Yet somehow I’m probably the only one playing our relationship over in my head. Trying to learn from it. Trying to find acceptance and peace. You are probably doing the bourbon and ignore routine you have mastered over the years. Well. Mr. Hyde… someday life is going to catch up with you. While I hope your reentry into this world is gentle on you I also hope you learn a thing or two. Like how to apologize like seriously. Freaking apologize. And how to accept responsibility as part of accountability. That aspect of your personality drove me up a wall. But I digress. . .

I accept that I gave the wrong man the chance. I accept that I wasted 6 months on a relationship that didn’t serve me after 2 months. I accept that I’ve wasted more time in getting over my internalized feelings trying to be the bigger person in this breakup. I’m not a bigger person. And some days I do hate you instead of me. I hate you when I remember that you willingly continued a relationship you didn’t want and wasted MONTHS of me life. I hate you when I remember you talked me into this relationship and then you didn’t even like the things about me that you said you liked in the beginning. LIAR.

But hate doesn’t serve me now either. So this letter you may or may not read is my release of that hatred. Of that anger and bitterness. You and your memory no longer have a place in my life. I told you that I wished you well…. But really I wish that you learn how to be a decent human being. Your resentment of life is a reflection of your inability to take accountability for your life. You made your decisions. And you have to live with them. Luckily that life of resentment no longer includes me. But I also got to see what lack of accountability and holding onto my resentment can do to a life… so I’m letting it go. Goodbye and good riddance