Forgive and Let. That. Sh*t Gooooo

Forgive. You, them, life.

Then LET IT GO. Cue the Frozen soundtrack… NOOOOO thank you.

My return to California for the summer has been a bit… of a set back. I immediately had a meltdown (see nervous breakdown) after crossing over into PST. Yeahhh I didn’t quite make it to Cali or Vegas before the meltdown express hit, and hit hard.

I had the “WOOHOO WE MADE IT” cheers, followed by the “OMG WHAT THE EFF DID I DO” and the “I CAN’T BE HERE” realizations/freak outs. But I gave up my house on the pond for life in the car. (I love my car, but…) I drove the 3,200 miles to be here. I made every decision that brought me here.

But once I got ‘here’ I felt the suffocating feelings that had me running for the clear other side of the country. I didn’t even have to face a single person that played a role in my PTSD, or the chaos that was my life here. I thought I was healed. I thought I was on the mend. Then I came back and realized I have a LOT of work to do.

Things I didn’t even realize were bothering me came up to the surface being “home”. And really? This doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s just a place. Filled with drama and chaos. So maybe my life brought me back so that I can forgive. And let go.

Forgive myself. Forgive the people that hurt me. And forgive life for the struggles I’ve endured while here, and since leaving. I forgave what I thought was a major reason for my PTSD. I even worked on accepting it. I wasn’t perfect, but I was better by far.

But now I’m realizing that my PTSD wasn’t so one level. It wasn’t triggered by one situation, but rather multiple situations. I had a LOT going on here. And I only worked on one part of it this past year.

I keep thinking.. Oh I don’t want to see this person, I’m not ready. Or once I’m looking fleek (yuck, I cannot believe I typed that term, 🥴) then they’ll be sorry for x,y,z. But really? Lord knows they don’t even think of little ol’ me. I was a blip on the radar long ago. Now? I’m broken, bruised, and traumatized more than I realized.

So it’s time to let “it” and “them” go. It’s time to find forgiveness, not because they’re sorry. (Lets face it, some people just are plain not sorry). Not because they deserve it, but because I do. Because I deserve to be able to come home and breathe. I deserve a better life than I’m currently letting myself live. I deserve to forgive myself and let go the hurt and betrayal I lived through. Because I did, I lived through it. I’m on the other side and the only person that is being constantly hurt by not letting go of the past situations… is me. And heck… I’m worth a whole heck of a lot more than the shell of a life I’m living.

So goodbye and good riddance to the hurt, shame, and baggage I have secretly carried for years. Here’s to life with a new leaf. Just like my singed ZZ is coming back to life, so am I. A little bit trimmed off to cut away the dead parts that weren’t worth a damn anymore. Now it’s time to let go of life before and start living life now.

Happy Healing,

Nattie