Black rain clouds

I went to bed exhausted but somehow I can’t sleep. I’m sitting in bed unable to quiet my restless mind. I’m thinking about the relationships I’ve endured…. Realizing I keep picking the wrong sort of men. I’m picking through housing options… never quite finding a fit. I’m avoiding school. Stressing over work. I’m worrying over madre and her impending surgery. I’m relieved over my test results today… but cautiously so. I have a new test to schedule for “further evaluation”. I have more tests tomorrow that make my stomach acid build up.

I’m a wreck. A mess.

I’m slowly picking up the pieces that are me. But I’m not recognizing me these days. I’m negative (like usual), but to an extent I’m not proud of. I’m exhausted without ever feeling rested or rejuvenated after sleep. I’m running in the rat race, but feeling left behind none the less.

I feel inadequate at best. My mom has some scary stuff she’s going through. And a huge part of me just feels like the selfish bratty daughter that isn’t going to make it out for her surgery, or any part of the recovering thanks to work and school. I feel guilty. Really really really guilty.

As I sat in the doctor’s office awaiting my test results… I was holding back the tears of falling apart. Fearing the news that was about to come. While I need an MRI, today’s scans were clear. I don’t have the dreaded cancer… yet.

Which also means the answers are also lacking. Yet another mystery. More diagnostic steps without answer as to what is happening in my body. But at least I don’t have the laundry list of things to do that mom does. Let’s hope round two for me also goes well. 🤞🏼 Once the results are all in, then it’s time to focus on making myself into a better human. Healthier on the inside and out.

And it’ll be all about helping mom recover, and kick cancers butt.