Self Care for those with Self Doubt

This weekend I took off a couple days for mental health reasons. I’ve been hit hard lately with compassion fatigue and imposter syndrome. Both seem to be work related… and both are currently being fueled by the ongoing stressors of my work situation.

The stress of my job at its core, in combination with a work environment that I am struggling to fit in, compassion fatigue of never feeling like I’m enough in this industry, and becoming more and more homesick is creating a rough road for my mental health.

The more my work life continues to breed ongoing stress, the more I want out. And the more I search for ways to both control my stress level and find alternative sources of income. I love my job, but my mental, physical and emotional health have to come first.

I haven’t been successful on the new career path side of things… I’ve researched so many odd ball jobs, trying to find the spark I felt when I first applied to and was accepted into graduate school. But alas it’s not as easy the second time around. Go figure.

But I am continuing to work on my self care. Something that has been increasingly important to me, regardless of my current circumstances. During my residency I started to get massages and facials from Massage Envy – a chain of day spas that allows me to continue my membership regardless of where I have since moved to. I use this self care technique to help me relax and maintain my body while enriching my soul. Something about rejuvenating my skin and relaxing my muscles just seems to help heal my broken soul.

I also started to take Hazel Nut to Starbucks on a somewhat weekly basis for our “coffees” (her’s is a puppacino – aka whip cream) after we loss Sophie. Back in California it used to include a 2 mile walk – sunshine, fresh air (even smoggy air), and coffees definitely helped to put a pep in our step after such a great loss.

One of my biggest goals following my acceptance into grad school was to get back into shape. I had accomplished one dream – getting into vet school. Now it was time to work on dream numero dos – RUN A MARATHON. While the original dream was to run in the NYC marathon, that seemed far fetched. So instead I went for my first 5k, then a 10k, then I was ready to take on the world of half marathons. It helped to have my twin and my dad running along side for both motivation and moral support. My mom used to also come to all of my races – except the Chattanooga half. Now injuries plagued my ability to run, let alone reach the marathon goal. But, a girl can still dream. Moving to the East coast I almost completely forgot about the NYC Marathon dream. I actually remembered it this year. But injury after injury, and weight gain after weight gain, and the idea of still running that marathon is like a distant memory. Maybe some day, but definitely not the year in which I live within commuting distance to it.

So instead I’m working on my physical health by having joined the gym. I even got a personal trainer for a short time. But – as I said – injuries this year have made that financially a waste of money. I have 6 sessions left. But I’m waiting to use them until I know I can withstand a workout worth the cost the session. But I’m still going. At first, the little I seemed able to do at the gym was defeating. I mean I was back to hiding in the women’s area because I was ashamed of only walking on the treadmill. Then I reminded myself that walking on the treadmill was more than I had been doing. Sitting on the couch wasn’t going to lose the weight. Walking on the treadmill may not either. But I knew without a doubt that I feel better when I do something more than nothing.

As I said, this week wasn’t my finest. I have logged more hours in my bed then I really care to admit to myself, let alone the blogosphere. I mean I was down for the count. I half laugh to myself now, on the other side of this moment in time… I keep thinking that I’ve finally hit rock bottom. Only for the ground beneath my feet to keep sliding me down a little bit further. I’m waiting on my comeback. But in order to have a comeback, I have to try. So I bought some books. Replacements for those stolen back in October. (Did I mention how I hate New England??) I set up a study schedule for myself. And I’m trying to work on the blog and my studies at least an hour a day. The hope is to improve my blog(s) and refill my confidence after the sucker punches I’ve endured lately.

Today’s Monday, and I’m bouncing back. I used the old self care favorites of mani/pedi, sleep, Netflix and chill, and walking my pup to instill some self worth and self devotion to get me back on track. It took more time than I’m proud to say. But I’m here. I’m alive. And I’m fighting back.

So if you’re struggling with self care, and some self doubt… hop to it. Take some time off, turn off the alarms, and do what feels good (just keep it legal). Get some activity in, soak up some Vitamin D, treat your self to something. I’m working on #mydebtfreelife but I also needed this weekend to be all about self care. I miss traveling, and I’ve had to cancel my Europe trip this summer. But I have big goals for 2020, and certain sacrifices had to be made to make those goals happen. Plus #workdrama put a wrench in my summer plans. S’ok. I’m revamping those plans to make these new plans work harder for me.

Happy Monday y’all. Hope this week treats us all with love and kindess.

Nattie