Praying for Answers

As I prepared myself for my new New England Adventure I set out knowing this wasn’t a forever landing. I was NOT prepared for what I encountered once here. From the beginning New England has been… a challenge for me. From having my POD container jammed shut, carrying in the last of my boxes in as the beginning of what would be a VERY wet end of summer/early fall – including major leaks in my rental, to unmet expectations professionally and feeling very isolated and alone in a new part of the country I haven’t had the best of luck out here. Or the best of experiences.

Some may say I didn’t try hard enough. Others may say it’s just been a weird year. For me? I can’t help but think what ungodly deed did I do in a previous life to warrant such a mess of a year. But the year is coming to an end. And abruptly at that. Prior to my Australian vacation I learned of the changes in my place of work. Extensive changes that would be life altering for me, and several others. As I returned from my wonderful vacation, and hellish flights home, I learned of even more changes. It was time to find a new job now.

For those that know me, or have been reading my blog, you might know that I’ve considered other lines of work. Right now I’m trying to get back into my fight for my current profession. I’ve worked LONG, and HARD to get where I’m at. And, well, I’m just not ready to give up on the dream I had as a four year old. I mean how many people can say they became what they said they would at 4 years of age? Not many I imagine.

I also have gone through a crisis of faith. But now I’m leaning on my crippled faith. Hoping to repair it along with stumbling onto path I was meant to take. To say that I am a fully willing participant is maybe overkill. But.. I can acknowledge that I have made some screwed up life choices up to this point. But without some of those choices I wouldn’t know the people I care about to this day. I wouldn’t have lost my beloved dog, Sophie, and I wouldn’t have had nearly as much heartache, sadness, and maybe wouldn’t feel so lost.

But I made those choices. I took an active part in every decision I made; the good, the bad, or the ugly. My screw ups are mine and mine alone. But I blamed God for a lot of things. I shouted and cursed at him so, so many times. I had… a crisis of faith. And still do. Not just in God though. I also had a crisis of faith in myself, my career, and my passion for life.

Now I’m leaning on my broken faith hoping it will lead me to better decisions, a better and more fulfilled life. While no life is without trials and tribulations. I’d like to actually enjoy my life just the same. So I’m praying. I’m asking for guidance. I’m asking for self forgiveness. I’m asking to be shown the way with an idiot proof guideline that even I can’t screw up.

I’m going into each interview with the hope that if God meant for me to take that job it will be offered and I will feel at peace accepting it. For now I’m just putting my trust in God that things will have a way of working themselves out. For the better. Because really… how much worse can things get? Right now I feel like I’ve been riding the spiral at the bottom of the drain for a while now. Time to work on that upward and outward climb.

XO,

Nattie