I hit bottom tonight. I told a friend I would say rock bottom, but then life always seems to kick me when I’m down… showing me that life can, indeed get lower.

Life just seems so hard these days. Maybe it’s just that my coping mechanisms just aren’t sufficient anymore. I feel like I used to be able to handle life, with more days or challenges between breakdowns. But I’m struggling with each and every day. The breakdowns, mental and emotional, frequently both together actually… seem to be coming at increasing frequency these days.

Tonight I can’t seem to keep the tears away. Any little thing can cause a well to form. Then before I know it, tears are falling before I can stop them. Because I’m not a crier. But these days I am. Before it was short cries. And not that they aren’t now… but this week. They’re starting to build upon each other. Now sobs rack my body. I burying my head in my hands as if I can hide away from life’s heart aches.

Part of me wonders if this is me finally processing the past few months worth of trauma. . . Am I finally grieving? Or did I just hit my limit of life’s crap? I think it’s the later. Because unfortunately most days I have this feeling that she’s just somewhere waiting for me. Like as if I’ll go somewhere and she’ll be there waiting for me to come back for her. The rational me knows she’s gone. The rational me knows I don’t get her back. The rational me reminds the emotional me that we have stuff to do.

I mean… The house isn’t going to paint itself. Clean scrape the ceiling itself. Unpack the boxes. Organize the stuff in said boxes. Break down the boxes for trash day. Do the laundry. Put away the suitcases and plastic tubs. Study for the midterms… find time to take said midterms. Meal prep.

Let’s be real. I’m not cooking a whole lot these days. And I’m not meal prepping much, if at all. Heck this morning it was tough getting my ass out of bed.

It wasn’t so much the depression, grief, or stress that kept me in bed. I was just tired. Exhausted really. I’m exhausted from all that is life these days. I powered through studying for boards. Probably failing said boards. I compartmentalized Hazel’s loss. Because Lord knows I definitely didn’t really allow myself to grieve her loss. And even if I did… how do you accept a loss like that? I powered through mom’s surgery, recovery, health scare and complication nightmares. I powered through escrow and buying a new house. I powered through moving and all that bull shit. I powered through.. until now.

Now I’m stuck.

I can’t seem to power through. I can’t seem to keep up. I can’t seem to tread water. I’m drowning in life. I’m behind in school, but I can’t force myself to work through the material to catch up. I’m slacking off on my work stuff. Or at least feel that way. I’m easily overwhelmed and never quite feeling like I have it all handled.

Tonight my breakdown started when I emailed a professor for help. I asked for help and now the flood gates have opened. I’ve hit my limit and my body and mind aren’t hitting a reset, or rebound. They’re just stuck. Stuck in this cycle of crying, wiping away the tears, trying to get through it, then breaking down crying again. So hopefully my professor can prescribe me some points and herbs to help me through this rough patch. Because the feeling of being THIS mentally and emotionally unhinged is getting old. And exhausting. I honestly don’t know how people with emotions do it. Because I sure as shit can’t.